One of the concerns I hear time and time again from parents of very young autistic kids is “what if they can never tell me that they love me?” Now, I will preface this by saying I truly believe that everyone’s feelings are what they are, they are valid and you generally can’t help them. But, what I do think I can provide is an autistic perspective and maybe give a different point of view.
This was not really on my radar too much with Touristo, purely because I don’t place a whole lot of value on people’s words….words lie. One interesting thing you learn when you have spent 35 years studying people, trying to understand them so you can fit in is……..people spend a large chunk of time saying one thing and meaning/doing another. Their words lie. People’s actions are far more authentic and meaningful.
My beautiful daughter for instance. She will come up to me, and out of her mouth comes this beautiful lilting tone saying “mummy I love you soooooooooo much”. A few seconds will pass by and she will follow this up with a request for cake. In that moment she isn’t thinking about how much she loves me…..just how much she loves cake. BUT when she wakes up in the morning and comes over to me, squishing her chubby toddler face into mine and kisses me like she is trying to rouse Sleeping Beauty then giggling when I open my eyes……well that means “I love you” even though she has not uttered a single word.
Now, despite my lack of investment in people’s words, I did think I would be overwhelmed with emotion the first time Touristo said “I love you”. But I have to admit, it didn’t mean what I thought it would. The thing I was most excited about was just that he used a phase, and that it was used in context. It was then that I realised he had already ‘told me’ that he loved me many times before and in far more meaningful ways. Like when I was carrying him in a queue and he grabbed my face and planted the never-ending kiss on me when we were at Tokyo Disney because he was just so excited and happy we took him there. Or the countless times he would hand lead me to his room and tuck himself in with me to cuddle because being together made everything better if he was struggling. The times when I have sobbed and he has run toward me and tried to wipe away my tears. Even little things like when he went through his gentle head bump phase. For years he had already been telling me he that he loved me…..in far more meaningful ways.
I then thought back to when I have said “I love you” to my mum. I try to remember to say it often because I know it makes her happy to hear it, and it’s never a lie because I always love and appreciate her. But what I think is more meaningful is when I spend hours booking her travel so she gets a first class experience at economy prices. Things like that are my real “I love you” to my mum. It’s far more practical and useful than three words that anyone can say willy nilly.
Now if you are sitting here thinking that I just don’t get it, that’s not entirely true. I do understand that words are very important for some people to hear, and that it can present difficulties when the person you love most can’t reciprocate in your language……. but that’s all it is, it’s a different language. Neither language style is more or less valid just…..different.